I AM AN INDIVIDUAL 'LOW-ON-CONFIDENCE' AND ACADEMIA HAUNTS ME

 

           Picture: iStock| https://www.istockphoto.com/photos/low-self-esteem

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Hi fellow researchers, 

I am back. Though I promised to write this blog 10 days from the release of my first one, the tightly packed schedule did not allow me to. Like all of you, I was occupied with figuring out how to organize my chapters, how to prepare tools for my data collection, making a contact list for field participants, applying for and attending conferences and writing. That seems a lot, right! But as early career researchers, aren't we doing a lot already? Figuring all of this out is not an easy task, especially when we do not have a generational exposure to the academic world and a weak institutional guidance. And despite doing so much at a time, we feel lost, insecure, anxious and under-confident. This has been the case with me all through my journey, I don't know what has been yours but I believe that what I seek to discuss in this blog might be of some relatability to you as well. 

I sometimes wonder, is academia even a place for introverts, those suffering from lower self esteem, self-doubts, impostor syndrome, social anxiety and other mental health issues? I know its not appropriate to put all stuff under a single bracket, but someone like me suffers from all of it, simultaneously. And guess what, academia doesn't care! Irrespective of what we go through, we have to keep up with the due dates because we have always been told that if we don't work on that idea now, probably someone else will get hold of it and we will be left behind. No matter how anxious we feel, we are compelled to speak to people at public gatherings because we have always heard that there is no success in academics unless we have a 'network'. No matter how much empty and low-on-motivation we feel, we need to give an impression of productivity all the time because we have been made to believe that a silent scholar is a dead scholar. 

When I ponder over all of this, my conviction over the need for radical re-fashioning of the academic sphere gets stronger. I mean, who are those scholars who have it all sorted for them? Who do not have to worry about their fast emptying bank accounts, managing multiple temporary jobs at once to do as much as possible for a secure future, competing in the job-market, greying hairs and increasing lens numbers, cooking food and cleaning, arranging the work desks, making estimates and dividing family expenses, handling rejections, paying therapists, procrastinating over drafts to be revised, securing funding for conferences and the list never ends....!! Surely not me, not you either. People who have had the socio-economic privilege to have gotten academics as a hereditary and family gift might have figured all of it out, but not others like us who have reached here with struggles of our own kinds and know the value of scholarship that we seek to do. 

Almost everyday, I meet my students and colleagues who discuss about the sense of fear that have entrapped them- "No matter how hard we try, how sleepless nights we spend, we will never be enough!"- enough for that one international trip, enough for that one reputed publication, enough to be recognized for our struggles, enough to be appreciated for the labor we have put in any project, enough to be deserving that space to learn from our mistakes. Scholars from marginalized backgrounds are always at the risk of rejection, their chances of getting appreciation and acknowledgement are abysmally low as compared to those who come from historically privileged groups. As we navigate through these stormy waters, we wonder if all of these claims of inclusivity, accommodation, acceptance, equality -a façade? 

I remember until my graduation, I won't even utter a single word in my classes. NEVER! I would always see some convent school educated, fluent and confident students taking the lead and having one-to-one conversations with teachers. It made me and others like me feel worthless. Some of us who went to non-English medium schools did not have the exposure to write or communicate well in English. Being a girl, my conditioning already made me an underconfident student. "Don't be too much, be soft-spoken, be silent, be inexpressive, focus on studies and nothing else"- has been my mantra all these years. I was constantly at the edge of being 'caught' for one thing or the other to be kicked out educational prospects. Added to this everyday burden was the school, the college, the university- which kept on making me feel more insecure and more out of place. As if I didn't belong there. But I did not know of anything except education. When I used to sit in classes and listen to those elitist conversations, I had so many questions in mind which I wanted to speak about but couldn't. Something inside always restricted me. I thought probably I do not know as much as they know. I haven't read as much as them. I haven't even heard of so many books and scholars they talk about. 

When I was in my masters, switching my discipline from Chemistry to Political Science made everything even more tougher for me. Everything that piled up all these years showed its impact and I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder and Depression. Except a few, my M.A. class was all Stephens and Miranda-the elite colleges of Delhi. Sitting among them always felt like a nightmare. I used to cry every single day thinking about my inability to match up with their language, mannerisms and standards of knowledge. There came a point where I actually contemplated leaving my degree which was literally my life-goal- to get admission in JNU. I started withdrawing from the classes, but guess what??- nobody noticed. Except a few like me, nobody bothered to ask how was I doing. My physical and mental health was in ruins. I almost decided to quit. Then someone suggested that you could take an year off and re-start your degree with the newer batch. I opted for it. 

But it was COVID-19 pandemic that changed it for me. I haven't talked or written about it anywhere. The newer batch was a lot better. More diverse, more homely. If there were people from LSR and Hindu, there were also students from Chaudhary Charan Singh University from Meerut and Rajasthan University, Jaipur. If there were some who used to impress professors with their flattering English and linguistic skills, there were others who used to struggle with writing exams and term papers. I found a group, a comfort space, a sense of belonging in the latter. More often than not, our conversations used to be about helping each other out in terms of writing, speaking and developing that sense of faith in our abilities. I owe a lot to some of those people who believed that I was bigger than my fears. Still I rarely uttered a word in the classroom. When the pandemic came and everything shifted online, the blank screen did it for me. Nobody was looking at me, I could actually write my points and read them out. I didn't have to be impromptu and fluent. I could read at my own pace. And since then, I started raising hands, and putting forward my arguments. I realized that it wasn't me who knew nothing. My broken self and the lack of confidence made me feel so. Still, as I am sitting and writing this, I am in the third year of my Ph.D. and I continue to struggle a lot. In terms of speaking, I still feel a sense of incapability. I tried teaching, did well. I tried presenting, did well. I tried lecturing, did well. And yet, when I enter academic spaces which foster hierarchy, inequality, and exclusion and make me feel out of place, I go absolutely blank. I fumble. I feel anxious. I sweat. I feel difficulty speaking. I feel I know nothing. I don't belong here. I need to run. Whatever I have achieved in terms of confidence, goes down the drain. We are back to square one. We are at the bottom of the scale. 

Today, when I writing and reflecting on all these years, I am reminded of all the conversations with people who feel like me. I believe that the fault doesn't lie with us. We are not the ones who need to bear this burden. It is them who think that academic is their inherited property and it needs to run according to their rules. They are the ones who decide for us-What is the most 'standard' academic language? What is the 'perfect' style of writing? What is the 'best'  way to present? What is 'deserving' of getting published and what isn't? Who gets entry into an 'academic' network and who doesn't? Who gets grants and scholarships and who doesn't? The only way to dismantle these exclusionary academic structures is to defy the norms. The search for legitimacy and validation needs to be discarded. The focus needs to shift over cooperation and collaboration from competition. We build our own hospitable networks, where we read each other's work and appreciate. Let's pitch each other's name in rooms full of opportunities. Let's build an alternative understanding and meaning of what it means to do scholarship.

Academia need to be emancipatory, subversive and radical. It cannot be status-quoist and constraining. Let the creativity and spontaneity flow. Let scholars, especially early career researchers get the space and confidence to be able to articulate from their unique vantage points, inspired from their own socio-economic and cultural locations without the fear of rejections or appropriation by hegemonic scholarly discourses. Let there be more opportunities, resources and empathy for the work being produced by people who have been historically denied the opportunities to speak and write for themselves. Let it be an uplifting force, a force that enhances out esteem, amps up our confidence, make us feel valued and brings out the best in us. 

Despite all the constraints that the unequal academic equations bring in front of us, I wish that we all keep falling in love with the work that we so dearly craft. No one give up on their dreams because of the reason that there was no one to cheer for them. Academic needs to stop haunting people, it needs to be what it claims to be!  

I know all of this stuff feels heavy. But I feel better writing it. Hope you too feel that same after reading. As I finish writing this unusually longer piece, I place my full faith in the possibility of radical change that students' groups can bring in. I have seen and been a part of a few. Let's hope that we will see many more of them in upcoming years. Together, we will break unequal academic norms, one instance at a time! 

With love and strength, 

Khushbu :)

1 September, 2023